she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
someone owes me an orgasm
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
