The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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