I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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