He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
