There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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