Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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