The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
