Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
