does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I need water and some morals
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
