you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
