You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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