i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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