He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
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I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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