I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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