it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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