i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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