so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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