She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
