dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
two words: eviction party
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
