I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
