Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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