it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
