If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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