Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
