New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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