I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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