i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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