I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
