If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
