You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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