sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
