theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
