they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
