We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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