Duck Duck Cougar?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
