So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
