the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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