Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
