I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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