Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
