At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
