help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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