You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
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