GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
