one word: firstdatebathroomanal
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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