Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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