if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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