I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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