Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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