Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Your cock deserves a montage
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
