tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
