were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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