I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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