Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
