god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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