I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
