I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
