I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
