make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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