I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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